Edinburgh's Gift

"I've just come back from a 'once in a lifetime' holiday experience - never again, it was horrendous."
Tim Vine

"I gave away my hoover recently...  ah, I found it was only gathering dust."
Tim Vine

"I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them.  Turns out I'm dairy intolerant."
Tim Vine

"You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?"
Stuart Black

"This bloke said to me: I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.'  I said:'Is that a fret?"
Tim Vine

"Feminism is not a fad.  It's not like Angry Birds.  Although it does involve a lot of angry birds.  Bad example."
Bridget Christie

"Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research."
Ben Target

"I keep writing letters to myself.  Dear me."
Mark Simmons

"Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he's never looked back."
Alfie Moore

"I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.  I don't know why."
Chris Turner
"My brother and friends spend all of their time floating out at sea.  Well, boys will be bouys."
Bec Hill

"I am quite excited because the book I have been waiting for about mature male gorillas has just come out in silverback."
Zoe Lyons

"I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs.  He wasn't happy."
Rebecca Humphries

"The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live."
Jonny Lennard

"I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently.  I asked him how it was goin to work, he replied: I'm goin to play by ear."
Lloyd Griffith

"One thing you'll never hear a Hindu say....'Ah well, you only live once.'"
Hardeep Singh Kohli

"I'm a strict Catholic.  This year I gave up abstinence for Lent."
Andrew Doyle

"I don't believe in sceptics."
Tom Binns