Barry Cryer Jokes

A parrot's in a cage by a window, and a woman walks past, and the parrot says, "You're a fat cow". She is outraged and complains to the parrot's owner. He chastises the parrot saying "Behave or I'll sellotape your beak up". The parrot is silenced. Two hours later the same woman passes the window and the parrot says, "You know what I'm thinking." 

A woman walked into a shop to buy a parrot, a beautiful blue-and-gold job, and she said to the man, "How much?", and he said, "Twenty quid". 

She said, "Twenty pounds? But he's so beautiful."

The shopkeeper said, "Well, I have to be quite frank with you, he's got a bit of history. He was in a brothel and, to put it delicately, he's got quite an extensive vocabulary."

She said, "I'll take a chance on that", took the parrot back to her flat, took the cover off. The parrot looked round her flat and said, "New place. Very nice".

Two daughters walked in. The parrot said, "New place. New girls. Very nice indeed."

And her husband walked in, and the parrot said, "Hello Keith."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud voice cried out:

"Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus," the parrot replied.

One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A man and a parrot are on a cruise.
The man is a magician and gets fed up with the wretched parrot giving away the secrets to his tricks. The audience mock the hapless magician, as the parrot say "See his left sleeve?...it`s down his sock etc".
The ship hits an iceberg and sinks....only the magician and the parrot seem to escape, and both of them sit sulking, back to back, on a floating piece of wood.
There is silence for five days and finally the parrot speaks.
"O.K then...what did you do with the ship?"

A man went into a pub and said to the landlord, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks." 
"Oh yes," says the landlord. "How are you going to do that?" 
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. 
The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. 
"That's incredible!" says the landlord. "Have you got anything else?" 
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. 
Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. 
The landlord is delighted. 
"I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. 
The man shook his head no. 
"Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. 
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100" the man says. 
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money.
Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100". 
"No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist".

This man was driving down a country lane and ran over a cockerel. Deeply upset, he went to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. A woman opened it and he said: “I appear to have killed your cockerel – I’d like to replace him.” “Please yourself,” she said. “The hens are round the back.”