"Austerity is hitting hard. I even found myself contemplating steeling food from my local supermarket. I sidled up the the spaghetti, but then I saw the security guard and thought I won't get pasta." - Masai Graham
I decided to sell my hoover. I noticed it was just collecting dust. - Tim Vine.
It said I needed to pick a password with eight characters, so I chose 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'. - Nick Helm
I've just been on a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, and I tell you, Never Again! - Tim Vine
Hedgehogs...why can't they just share the hedge - Dan Antopolski
I'm sure that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending. - Jack Whitehall
I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point? - Alexi Sayle
I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault. There's a name for it.... Jimeon
As a vegan I think that people who sell meat are disgusting. But people who sell veg are grocer. - Adele Cliff.
If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. - Ian Smith.
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