On Etiquette

James Gillray 1805.  Overbearing male suiters,
shocked when a wealthy widow
gets up to ring the bell! (Wikipedia)

These are my thoughts stimulated by listening to the BBC World Service programme called 'The Forum'.

Etiquette- largely arbitrary and slowly evolving rules 'of engagement between people'.  Or how to 'get along'.  This is particularly important for people who live crammed together in cities.  We talk about people being 'Urbaine'; those who know how to live 'cheek by jowl' with their neighbour.

The word comes from the french for 'labels', 'signs' or 'notices'.  It is most likely that modern european etiquette was defined first the Spanish court, adopting the french word, as if it was aping the wonders of the French court. 

In every age there is evidence that the popular view is that things 'ain't what they used to be', in other words there is always perceived to be a drop downwards in standards, which in actual fact cannot be true, because otherwise we would by now be in the basement. 

A lot of the way we do things will be subconscious, and absorbed from the adult world as we grow up.  Some of it will make sense, some not.  Etiquette has also been laiden with the stuff of power and inequality.  Across the world there is etiquette for women, and for men, for children and for adults, for the workers, and for the rich.  Some might be perceived as harmless, such as bowing or curtsying to the King. (when will I ever need to do this?) Others reinforce the status quo.  "This is your position and you stay in it."

Much etiquette is of course trivial.  In a french restaurant you are supposed not to eat the bread brought before the meal.  You need to be patient.  The bread is not for filling up, and will not be replaced.  No one tells you this because it's so trivial, but if you want to see a waiter's disapproval, stuff your face as soon as the bread arrives.

Etiquette as we grow old is interesting.  As a child you know that one day you will be in that position of power where you can eat chocolate bars for breakfast. When the time arrives, sadly so does the inclination.  However as we grow much older, our status may reduce, and etiquette moves more into patronising platitudes, and concern and worry.

Etiquette is most visible in other cultures, were the contrast offered  to the 'outsider' provided acuity to the definition.  However, an interpreter is likely to be needed, because initial assumptions are often wrong.   Apparently in China there are few platitudinous greetings, such as Hello, or Good Morning.  To the European, an encounter with their Chinese colleague may feel abrupt.  But the chinese may instead ask, how is your family? This is the greeting, just as we ask 'How are you?' and do not expect a long explanation.  Some cultures distain please and thank you, as unnecessary insecurities. 

American are often foxed by the 'how are you?' question, until they realise we don't really mean it.

Is etiquette only a challenge in cross-cultural situations?  I remember seeing a car crash outside my student house in Bristol.  An  African-Caribbean man's car was smashed into by a white women at a junction.  They both got out.  The Caribbean man remonstrated 'what has you done?' The white woman look terrified.  The Caribbean man burst out laughing.  There was no malice or threat in his approach. It was a cross cultural encounter.  

So are cross-cultural encounters to be avoided?  At our peril.  This is where the 'cutting edge' of culture exists; where culture is challenged, reflected on and refined.  Without it we risk continuing to adopt illogical and counterproductive ways of living.  

I recall meeting a Christian social worker from a Caribbean heritage and we discussed all the aspects of western christianity that are 'cultural' and perhaps not core to the faith.  It was very refreshing. We were able to focus on what is essential, and what is etiquette, tradition and ritual.

We joke in our house when we have meals with people from different cultures that there is only one rule, and that is that there are no rules (relating to table manners).  I guess my meaning is similar to Augustines (misquoted) saying 'Love God and do as you please.'  I am assuming that our friends actually care about us.  Indeed on the programme we heard about teinei (丁寧).  This roughly translates to 'Politeness'.  You could call it 'after you' etiquette, where you think about the needs of others constantly.  All cultures require this, and, in the UK and US this is can be seen as similar to the concept of 'random acts of kindness', where strangers notice the needs of others, and take proactive steps to help their situations to be 'blessed'.  We could call this 'micro-philanthropy'.