'Rafael...yes' It dawned on me that I knew this man. He was now but a speck, trudging away into the snow and the mist. "Did you recognise him?" I called back into the recess of the cave. She emits a plaintiff grunt. Again, a missed opportunity. Again. Looking out in the chilled evening air. There, the speck; just a speck, mixing with the swirling snow.
I return to the damp fug of our interior darkness. The fire, with chocking smoke; Eve's horse cough. Back to our shared sadness, alone, together, with the pain of our loss, the pain of memories.
At least we are together. Chained perhaps, but inseparable; as one.
Rafael, the first time I met you I was a young man.
My 'awakening' is rekindled; existence begins.
I receive the breath of life.
These experiences remain clear and bright; within touching distance.
I knew the deep joy of being alive. A vibrant, rich life; new discoveries every day, of wonder, challenge and tenderness.
I recall exhilaration; like jumping from a waterfall into a deep cool pool.
We jumped together. Holding on to each other. Just us -
We knew the presence of our maker. Always; constant; like the sun and moon.
We floated, touching - her brilliant eyes, shining.
I am enraptured, magnetised to her being; as one.
One or two hours, perhaps a day, and week, this tranquillity remains forever.
Light and warmth. The knowledge of joy and delight.
We look up, overwhelmed, and bursting with spontaneous praise.
"Worthy are you Creator of all. Glory and honour and power belong to you.
Hosanna!
By you, and in you and through you, we have our being.
All things are held together by your power and love."
"The mountains sing, the rivers sing, the stars declare your splendour."
"The rocks speak out your praise and honour their creator.
Nothing separates us from your presence.
Glory be to you forever."
I am Adam, you are Eve. I know no other. You are my all.
You are everything to me. I am satisfied. I desire nothing else.
In you I am complete.
Of course I knew nothing with which to compare these experiences.
Neither did she.
I did not know the fragility of this perfection, how softly to tread on these dreams.
I did not know that there was separation from the Creator. I was naive.
Was that my fault?
Too late. The act changes everything. It cannot be reversed.
Damage is done. At least we did it together;
Together we face the consequence.
Our chains pull tight; they jar.
I grimace, and scold in reproach.
We might as well be friends, 'make up' with forbearance.
Endure together. Time now becomes strained.
When you think that it is as bad as it can get, it can get a hundred time worse.
Dread the pain of the heart. Physical hardship is nothing- a momentary inconvenience.
Together we lost our dear son. A good boy. We had so little.
We lost our other son too. Gone- disgraced. A living death.
How is it possible to forgive?
But we must forgive.
We too must receive this highest form of love.
Betraying our Creator- denying our Lord.
This is death. This is agony.
How is it possible? But it is done in an instance.
Just now, sitting by the fire with (as I now know) Rafael.
I re-examined my foolish discussion.
Was our Creator's expectation fair?
To cross a torrent by a slime covered slippery log?
To climb a cliff of loose and ungluing rocks.
To sing the song, heard but once, and have every tone and tempo correct?
And I am frail, and frailer for not knowing this.
It's as if I wake and find I'm charged to catch a star falling from the sky. I strain and stare, focus, move this way and that, and miss. What chance had I? Why treat me so harshly?
"But", says Rafael, "this is a matter of the heart, not skill. It's about your inclination. Are you minded to hurt or abuse your child? From your heart do you want to see you offspring suffer and writhe?"
"No! But never!" I exclaim.
And this is what you have done.
By not considering the feelings, the will and desires of your Creator,
you have abused and caused injury.
This is what has marred the perfect relationship.
What has been done cannot be undone.
Reparation is necessary. The healing of scars.
But the consequence remains.
I recalled how the Creator suggested our love could be 'all in all'.
No need for competition. Satisfaction solely in heavenly bliss.
But I longed for a tangible friend. One with certainty of form.
My first indication to frailty.
My need for flesh and blood. My flesh and blood.
Could not the Creator see this flaw?
Inbuilt weakness in the perfect design?
How can perfection include these cracks, and remain shatterproof?
And Rafael answered....
Because the design is based on the human heart.
Frail and vulnerable as it is,
Set right in the centre.
You hold that heart with both your hands,
It is entrusted to you. Don't drop it.
By flesh and blood our stripes are healed.
The present suffering is but for a time.
Adam,
Remember, hold on, and live.
