The real Mr Dalloway

“And our dear Miss Kilman?” he asked. Clarissa thought the roses absolutely lovely; first bunched together; now of their own accord starting apart.

“Kilman arrives just as we’ve done lunch,” she said. “Elizabeth turns pink. They shut themselves up. I suppose they’re praying.”

Lord! He didn’t like it; but these things pass over if you let them.

“In a mackintosh with an umbrella,” said Clarissa.

He had not said “I love you”; but he held her hand. Happiness is this, is this, he thought.

“But why should I ask all the dull women in London to my parties?” said Clarissa. And if Mrs. Marsham gave a party, did SHE invite her guests?

“Poor Ellie Henderson,” said Richard — it was a very odd thing how much Clarissa minded about her parties, he thought.

Miss Kilman - The family name was Kielman- German-  The family changed their name during the Great War.  Richard comes into the house with a bunch of roses.  He wants to say 'I love you'.  But he can't, and makes excuses in his mind that roses don't need this pretense of emotion.  He says 'our dear Miss Kilman', completely out of sympathy with Clarissa, who despises her.  Clarissa is incensed that Mrs Marsham has asked her if Miss Henderson can come to the party later than evening.  Richard says 'Poor Ellie Henderson', presenting Clarissa with even more confusion. 

Mr Dalloway and his wife

And Richard Dalloway opened the front door.  Hands gripped the familiar doorway; and straight-stiff backed, he pulled; standing right to the edge of the sill.  Light fell forward, stroking arms of light; tentacles stretching out, falling playfully over his chest.  Mesmerised, Richard urged his body forward.  Great waves of mental energy, pressing upwards.  But it was as if a strong pair of scissors had begun operating; cutting down from head to his toe.  Will and body were dividing.

"I must go out, I must go out", he murmured hoarsely.  Words like fuel strengthening the tangle, suckling and drawing it in.  Beneath his skin there was a sudden rise in temperature; and the familiar swirling sense of disconnecting.

"I will be stuck here, like a lemon" he thought. "Someone will see me. I will be seen."
"The eyes, then the nose."

The light was now thickening; lemon yellow.  Richard attempted a backward motion, back into the house.  "Must keep moving, keep up the circulating." Hands and arms rotating.

But the light had him tight.  It was beneath his clothes and had entwined itself around his right leg.  Thoughts of screaming, came crashing to his head; of harsh and discordant screams, as that of finger nails....and he couldn't even raise his hands to his ears.  Hands that, in any account, would by necessity, need to be inside.  But this inside was not pleasant at the moment.  And it was to be seen.

Clarissa appeared.  Clarissa with her tight forehead, and upright eyes. He knew she would be the one.  She looked at him knowingly, seeing inside, seeing the hands straining to cover the ears, the lemon custard, the sharp increase in heat.  And Clarissa, with her tight forehead, coming forward and taking Richard by the hand.  With her hand she took Richard; and he descended the steps.  Down, he descended, and she stayed right were she was; he was shrinking.  She was remaining right where  she was.

Once again to the Paradise Lost dear friends

01  “Raphael” the name, distant memories turbate,

02 Into night disappears, left  pondering our fate.

03  Straining to see him, it dawns of his part,

04  No accidental visitor, we remain in His heart.

05  I return to damp fug, of interior darkness,

06  Eve’s horse cough symbolises sadness and stress.

07  At least we’re together chained perhaps but as one.

08  Many years have passed since that error was done.

09  Where together we shared in openness and truth.

10  Rich lives, vivid experiences, vibrant and new.

11  We jumped from a cliff top into a deep pool below,

12  Holding tight to the other knowing intimate glow.

13  As looking to the sky with wonder and praise,

14  Sharing triune intimacy, for the rest of our days.

15  I am Adam, you are Eve, we know no other,

16  Comparison irrelevant, you're my sole lover.

17  But why were we made with this deep fatal flaw?

18  Set an impossible challenge with an impossible law.

19  With failure comes suffering, two dear sons both gone,

20  Paradise unrighting, all goodness goes wrong.

21  And now I am frail, and frailer for knowing,

22  The scale of our loss, I hear Satan’s crowing.

23  Surely God sees we lack necessary steel,

24  And to devious challenge, our weakness would yield.

25  But Raphael not accepting, indeed rebuts this trial,

26  Asks whether I could harm and abuse my own child?

27  “The damage that’s done is not lack of skill,

28  It’s the damage to friendship by the absence of will.

29  Inconsiderate action destroys bonds of trust,

30  But weakness is accepted, your creator is just.

31  Though suffering and sorrow, now your daily blight,

32  Victory is coming, and wrong will be right.

33  Choose now to live as you did once in Eden,

34  God’s love has not changed, still offering freedom.”

History of events just before I was born

I watched the BBC documentary on the Korean war called Korea- The Never-ending War.
Lots to think about here.

I have heard it said that D-Day was not about the small matter of defeating the Nazis. It was also a race to conquer the world.  Churchill noted that Stalin's USSR was going to be the next big enemy.  He contemplated a war against USSR but Roosevelt checked him.  USA had sole control over the nuclear weapons, as they still do when it comes to the UK.  In 1945 progress to claim as much territory as possible before USSR did was hampered by simple exhaustion and war fatigue.  

The same was true in Japan.  USA took control of Japan; a sizable job.  But what to do with Korea? The USSR had seen action in Korea.  Apparently two aides in the Pentagon suggested the use of the 82 parallel. Stalin liked it.  It was settled on as the line of control between the Soviet and American sectors of influence; a similar pattern used in Austria and Germany. The problem came when the Soviet puppet president did better than the America puppet.  The North became cocky.  Stalin gave the nod for a northern pusht.  He had misread the American's message about their security priorities. Stalin assumed that the American would not react.  The North invaded the South.  In a matter of days their army had reached the foot of the peninsula. President Truman used the UN to enable and American retaliation on the North.  His own congress would not have sanctioned this.  The security council approved a military offensive to re balance Korea.  The Americans, British, Canadians, Australians, Thai, etc... (a coalition of 44 countries) dug in in the far south west, with thousands of refugees trying to squeeze over into their sector.  The Americans panicked and were invoked in a terrible war crime, when hundreds of civilians were massacred.  

General MacArthur's audacious assault resolved the northern attack and the North retreated back over the 82 parallel.  If  that had been it, as had been agreed by the UN, there would have been not much more to discuss, but buoyed up by hubris and triumph, MacArthur argued for a rapid attack on the North.  This time Truman misjudged the Chinese.  The Chinese army crossed the border in large numbers. There was a time when Truman and MacArthur seriously considered using 24 nuclear bombs to create a dead zone between Korea and China, contaminated by radiation for 99 years (with the use of a cobalt). The allies had about 700,000 soldiers committed to the war.  North Korea, China and Russian had about 1.700,000. The allies withdrew to the 82 parallel, though the front continued to veer backwards and forwards. No armistice was possible because Stalin saw that the USA embroiled in a stalemate made good Soviet foreign policy.  This could go on for ever.  Every Korean town and city had been decimated. Then Stalin died, and peace was possible.  There has been the potential for the war to start again in the 70's.  North Korea knows that it's only sure protection is to threaten USA with nuclear arms.  It will never give up this power.

All things come to an end, so this divided country will some day unite.    

I remember watching the wonderful Korean film called

Welcome to Dongmakgol with our film club

Once again to the beach dear friends

I learnt from Gareth at Ty Gwn, that Gwn means white (Blanche)

Ty Coch is as beautiful as ever

We learnt that Mackerel must be eaten within three days

Cod is sometimes caught off the Falklands by
Russian travers and is two years old

That one day the sea is flat and calm, the next rough and unsettled

We are sitting on one of the many neolithic forts.  Like the sea, calm and stormy

We saw a family of Egrets

22 years ago we climbed this mountain (900 meters)
and baby Elizabeth walked on the top.

...and with an apple!

1. Thrones, Dominations, Princedoms, Virtues, Powers;
2. For in possession such, not only of right,
3. I call ye, and declare ye now; returned
4. Successful beyond hope, to lead ye forth
5. Triumphant out of this infernal pit
6. Abominable, accursed, the house of woe,
7. And dungeon of our tyrant: Now possess,
8. As Lords, a spacious world, to our native Heaven
9. Little inferior, by my adventure hard
10. With peril great achieved. Long were to tell
11. What I have done; what suffered; with what pain
12. Voyaged the unreal, vast, unbounded deep
13. Of horrible confusion; over which
14. By Sin and Death a broad way now is paved,
15. To expedite your glorious march; but I
16. Toiled out my uncouth passage, forced to ride
17. The untractable abyss, plunged in the womb
18. Of unoriginal night and chaos wild;
19. That, jealous of their secrets, fiercely opposed
20. My journey strange, with clamorous uproar
21. Protesting fate supreme; thence how I found
22. The new created world, which fame in Heaven
23. Long had foretold, a fabric wonderful
24. Of absolute perfection. Therein man
25. Placed in a Paradise, by our exile
26. Made happy: Him by fraud I have seduced
27. From his Creator; and, the more to increase
28. Your wonder, with an apple

Satan's speech to the Kingdom of Darkness of returning victorious from Earth.  

"Mission accomplished"

   ...and his technique?

1. Empress of this fair world, resplendent Eve,
2. Easy to me it is to tell thee all
3. What thou commandest; and right thou shouldst be obeyed:
4. I was at first as other beasts that graze
5. The trodden herb, of abject thoughts and low,
6. As was my food; nor aught but food discerned
7. Or sex, and apprehended nothing high:
8. Till, on a day roving the field, I chanced
9. A goodly tree far distant to behold
10. Loaden with fruit of fairest colors mixed,
11. Ruddy and gold: I nearer drew to gaze;
12. When from the boughs a savory odor blown,
13. Grateful to appetite, more pleased my sense
14. Than smell of sweetest fennel, or the teats
15. Of ewe or goat dropping with milk at even,
16. Unsucked of lamb or kid, that tend their play.
17. To satisfy the sharp desire I had
18. Of tasting those fair apples

How his retreat was observed from Hell.
Not the retreat of a victor?

1. There kept their watch the legions, while the Grand
2. In council sat, solicitous what chance
3. Might intercept their emperor sent; so he
4. Departing gave command, and they observed.
5. As when the Tartar from his Russian foe,
6. By Astracan, over the snowy plains,
7. Retires; or Bactrin Sophi, from the horns
8. Of Turkish crescent, leaves all waste beyond
9. The realm of Aladule, in his retreat
10. To Taurus or Casbeen: So these, the late
11. Heaven-banished host, left desert utmost Hell
12. Many a dark league, reduced in careful watch

Paradise Lost

'Rafael...yes'  It dawned on me that I knew this man.  He was now but a speck, trudging away into the snow and the mist.  "Did you recognise him?" I called back into the recess of the cave.  She emits a plaintiff grunt.  Again, a missed opportunity. Again.  Looking out in the chilled evening air.  There, the speck; just a speck, mixing with the swirling snow.

I return to the damp fug of our interior darkness.  The fire, with chocking smoke;  Eve's horse cough.  Back to our shared sadness, alone, together, with the pain of our loss, the pain of memories.

At least we are together.  Chained perhaps, but inseparable; as one.

Rafael, the first time I met you I was a young man.

My 'awakening' is rekindled; existence begins.

I receive the breath of life.

These experiences remain clear and bright; within touching distance.

I knew the deep joy of being alive.  A vibrant, rich life; new discoveries every day, of wonder, challenge and tenderness.

I recall exhilaration; like jumping from a waterfall into a deep cool pool.

We jumped together.  Holding on to each other.  Just us -
We knew the presence of our maker.  Always; constant; like the sun and moon.
We floated,  touching - her brilliant eyes, shining.
I am enraptured, magnetised to her being; as one.

One or two hours, perhaps a day, and week, this tranquillity remains forever.

Light and warmth.  The knowledge of joy and delight.

We look up, overwhelmed, and bursting with spontaneous praise.

"Worthy are you Creator of all.   Glory and honour and power belong to you.
Hosanna!
By you, and in you and through you, we have our being.
All things are held together by your power and love."

"The mountains sing, the rivers sing, the stars declare your splendour."

"The rocks speak out your praise and honour their creator.
Nothing separates us from your presence.
Glory be to you forever."


I am Adam, you are Eve.  I know no other. You are my all.
You are everything to me.  I am satisfied.  I desire nothing else.
In you I am complete.

Of course I knew nothing with which to compare these experiences.
Neither did she.
I did not know the fragility of this perfection, how softly to tread on these dreams.
I did not know that there was separation from the Creator.  I was naive.
Was that my fault?

Too late.  The act changes everything.  It cannot be reversed.
Damage is done. At least we did it together;
Together we face the consequence.

Our chains pull tight; they jar.
I grimace, and scold in reproach.

We might as well be friends, 'make up' with forbearance.
Endure together. Time now becomes strained.

When you think that it is as bad as it can get, it can get a hundred time worse.
Dread the pain of the heart.  Physical hardship is nothing- a momentary inconvenience.

Together we lost our dear son.  A good boy.  We had so little.
We lost our other son too.  Gone- disgraced. A living death.
How is it possible to forgive?

But we must forgive.
We too must receive this highest form of love.
Betraying our Creator- denying our Lord.
This is death. This is agony.
How is it possible?  But it is done in an instance.

Just now, sitting by the fire with (as I now know) Rafael.
I re-examined my foolish discussion.

Was our Creator's expectation fair?
To cross a torrent by a slime covered slippery log?
To climb a cliff of loose and ungluing rocks.
To sing the song, heard but once, and have every tone and tempo correct?

And I am frail, and frailer for not knowing this.
It's as if I wake and find  I'm charged to catch a star falling from the sky.  I strain and stare, focus, move this way and that, and miss.  What chance had I?  Why treat me so harshly?

"But", says Rafael, "this is a matter of the heart, not skill.  It's about your inclination.  Are you minded to hurt or abuse your child?  From your heart do you want to see you offspring suffer and writhe?"

"No! But never!" I exclaim.

And this is what you have done.
By not considering the feelings, the will and desires of your Creator,
you have abused and caused injury.
This is what has marred the perfect relationship.

What has been done cannot be undone.
Reparation is necessary.  The healing of scars.
But the consequence remains.

I recalled how the Creator suggested our love could be 'all in all'.
No need for competition.  Satisfaction solely in heavenly bliss.
But I longed for a tangible friend.  One with certainty of form.
My first indication to frailty.
My need for  flesh and blood. My flesh and blood.

Could not the Creator see this flaw?
Inbuilt weakness in the perfect design?
How can perfection include these cracks, and remain shatterproof?

And Rafael answered....

Because the design is based on the human heart.
Frail and vulnerable as it is,
Set right in the centre.

You hold that heart with both your hands,
It is entrusted to you.  Don't drop it.

By flesh and blood our stripes are healed.
The present suffering is but for a time.
Adam,
Remember, hold on, and live.

Paradise of fools

In Vallombrosa, where th' Etrurian shades

High overarch't imbowr; or scatterd sedge

Afloat, when with fierce Winds Orion arm'd

Hath vext the Red-Sea Coast, whose waves orethrew

Busiris and his Memphian Chivalry,

While with perfidious hatred they pursu'd

The Sojourners of Goshen, who beheld

From the safe shore thir floating Carkases

The links offer explanations.  
An Italianate illusion of leaves and wind, flows into reminiscing on the reforming of  the red sea over dead Egyptians.

From Aroar to Nebo, and the wild

Of Southmost Abarim; in Hesebon

And Heronaim, Seons Realm, beyond

The flowry Dale of Sibma clad with Vines,

And Eleale to th' Asphaltick Pool.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

      Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

      And the mome raths outgrabe.

Hmm....  study your old Testament and your classics to pull this one apart.  It reminds me of how Shakespeare mixes biblical and classical references together as if they were from the same source (with a touch of Lewis Carroll perhaps).

The rhythm and texture are evocative of Frankenstein. I enjoyed hearing that the monster picks up the discarded knapsack of Frankenstein and finds a book of Milton's Paradise Lost, and Petrarch, and Goethe.  From this he learns to read.  I am guessing that Mary Shelley, in her teens, was impressed by the importance of these books (important books).  They are her books that resonate.

Great quotes:

The mind is its own place, and in it self

Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.

Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n.

Both glorying to have scap't the Stygian flood

As Gods, and by thir own recover'd strength,

Satan and the fallen angel travel to Hell over the river Styxs.  An example of the mixing of biblical and classical mythology.

I am inspired by this essay by Wm Moeck.  The Monster reads Milton: Paradise Lost

Football Crazy

On Thursday 3rd October 2019 the football team of Qarabag in Azabajan traveled to Luxembourg where they played F91 Dudelange in the Europa League group stages. They won 4-1.

Qarabag has a big following in Azabijan.  They originate from the city of Agdam which is now in ruins.  It was once a major city in the disputed territory or Nagorno-karabakh.  About 500,000 Azabajani's were displaced by the war, most moving to the capital Baku, where their football team also resides.   Their team symbolises 'struggle'.

Dudelange on the other hand is a peaceful place in the south of Luxembourg with a population of just less than 20,000. It rose to fame after the three town clubs united forces in 1991.  Dudelange united while between 1988 and 1994 Nagorno-karabakh was in a terrible state.  It is currently a tense place on the edge of war.

I am the Monster!

and Adam, and the 12 year old moderately well educated child....

The monster, feels alone, not understood, instinctively reviled.  Is this not how we all feel from time to time in our weaker moments?  Raaaaaaaa!

Adam, the new person.  Set down on the earth.  Seeking....  But how do I relate to my creator?  The monster hates the creator for giving miserable life, a life of sorrow, coldness and hardship.

The 12 year old looks at the problems of the earth and scratches it's head.  It's all so obvious.  Put it right now.  30 minutes and all the problems of the world are corrected.  It's obvious - straightforward.  And in truth, it is.

As the monster describes, even his strange creation results in him seeking love and affection.  Instead he is reviled and violently rejected.  All are repulsed instinctively and feel aggressive loathing.    Even the blind father, who initially is sympathetic, is swung by the experiences of his family. 

Mary Shelley wrote of her self, "awoke and discovered - no mother."  Her mother, Mary Wollstonecraft, died of a fever when she was seven weeks old.  She was then neglected by her father and abused by her step-mother, and ran off with Shelley as a teenager. 

At the end of the book we wonder, was this just a psychotic experience?  Fantastical, unbelievable.  And then the monster appears. 

Next book - Paradise Lost.

Hey - Egham's a cool place...man

Places that make Egham special.  This college was created in 1856 as the Royal Indian Engineering College, to train engineers for the Indian Civil Service. Notice how it's on the edge of London, and not in India.

Runnymede Campus (now Brunel University)

Shelley Cottage at Bishopsgate, Englefield Green.  (see previous post)

Beatrice Shilling Building Royal Holloway.

The Strode School - Egham (1704)

Hox Haus- Royal Holloway College.

Homewood - National Trust

Holloway Sanatorium, in Virginia Water.

err and that famous  College of the University of London, founded 1879.

The Modern Prometheus

Prologue
Mary Shelley starts with an allegory used by Harari at the end of his book.  Nice link.
Namely:-
"The Hindoos give the world an elephant to support it, but they make the elephant stand upon a tortoise."  Harari asks the question, "And what does the tortoise stand on?"  The answer given is, "Don't worry, we've got plenty of tortoises."

She says that Lord Byron discussed her story with Dr Darwin, who thought that the concept of creating life in dead bodies- 'not an impossible occurrence'.  Dr Darwin?  Apparently this was Charles Darwin's grandfather. see Erasmus Darwin.)  Lord Byron's dates are 1788 to 1824.  Mary Shelley, 1797 to 1851.  Percy Shelley, 1792 to 1822.

Dates-  Book was written in 1816/1817, published 1818.  Started in the year without a summer, 1816, the year the volcano Tambora put so much ash into the atmosphere it created a world wide mini ice age.

Charlies Darwin's dates are 1809 to 1882.  His grandfather's dates, Erasmus Darwin, were 1731 to 1802.  It's curious to think how this conversation might have take place because Mary would have been 5 when Dr Darwin died.  Lord Byron would have been 15.

Mary Shelley (1797–1851) Quote:  "Still I had a dearer pleasure than this, which was the formation of castles in the air—the indulging in waking dreams."

The cottage in Englefield Green (Bishopsgate, near the Windsor Great Park),
where Percy and Mary spent two years.  

Percy, Mary and Claire traveled up the Thames to try to find the source of the river Thames.  They got as far as Letchlade where they stayed in the New Inn Hotel.