When I was a youngster, my primary school was emphatically encouraging. "You can be whatever you want to be." I wrote down that I wanted to be a comedian. It was on my mind at the time as Culture Club had just released their hit single 'Karma Chameleon'. Obviously I didn't hear it quite correctly, but it became the voice of purpose within my head. My mum put this up in the kitchen and everyone who read it bust out laughing. It felt like a promising start. I'm from a very 'down to earth' sort of a family. There is my uncle, Daley Star, a bit of a spiv. Growing up in London, I soon learnt how to read him. Uncle Les was from the Midlands, I can't remember exactly where, but we moved between them, to Welwyn Garden City, which isn't a city, and we lived in a third floor flat, so no garden. I guess we became less 'down to earth' than I thought.
When at school, I took advantage of meeting with a peripatetic careers advisor. She looked very serious when I discussed with her my plans for future employment. I was impressed by the frown on her brow, quite a contrast to the responses I had become used to. After searching through a number of books she had before her, she confessed that she knew nothing about any qualifications that might be needed for my chosen profession. I reassured her that I had no intention of wasting my life by pursuing qualifications. However, for the first time in my life, a seed of doubt had been sown. The lady left that room looking quite perturbed. Humour is sometimes uncomfortable, but this lady looked distressed.
The trouble with humour is that it is very difficult to acquire. It doesn't just happen, and if you seek it, it runs from you squealing. It's a similar experience for those who seek humility. The more you strive to catch hold of it, the more it step just an inch away.
The key to being funny is to spot it in life, when you are out and about, and write it down immediately. The first time a thing strikes you you have this feeling that it will never disappear from your mind; but sure enough, like a dream, within minutes it vanishes leaving only tantalising impressions, reminding you of what you have lost, and that it was good.
The next important principle is are how the joke is delivered, and as every knows, 'timing'. Timing is so crucial, like the triangle player in the orchestra who counts and counts, and then strikes the chime. Out of time, and the whole orchestra stops, turns and glares.
An example of the need for timing occurred recently. As Donald Trump was ejected from Twitter, an opportunity for a joke arises. Like good food, the use-by date should be read carefully, and the joke delivered before this, else it come as a disappointment. "I know how he feels. I was chucked off Twitter too for bad jokes."
Jokes are cultural. The British culture appreciates self-abasement. Americans see this as pathetic weakness. Americans like aggressive, violent jokes, whereas Brits wince at the harshness. To me the use of gratuitous sex in humour is a sign the comedian has run out of good ideas.
I never became a comedian. I tried, but I applied for a job as a humorist celebrant, which I assumed would offer great opportunities. I have been marrying people ever since, and it doesn't seem to matter. Whatever I say, they seem to be very happy.